The Ex-Files

As a wise friend once pointed out "exes always put together a significant separate chapter in one's life". I mean, you have all the other people in your life and then you have your exes. So after seeing so many relationships around me over the years- those of my own, my friends, my roommates, my friends' friends, acquaintances - I think am well equipped and well opinionated to blurt out my own theory on the Ex-files.

Well to begin with, I think you can get over a relationship but you can never get rid of the "eX-factor" in your life (pun intended). It stays on, subsides only to re-surface later, and then again lingers on, for years.

Alright lemme first divide the exes into the following categories (according to AD theory):
1. I hate you, you bitch/asshole (depending on your sex) - This is probably the most populated category. Atleast in the initial days after the break up when your partner throws off the bouncer. If the cause of the breakup is something huge - you ended up kissing the hottie in the club in an inebriated state; you have fallen for your cute colleague; you confessed that you probably still are in love with your ex (see here it comes again!) - in short, if you cheated on your girlfriend/boyfriend whoever and thats why the breakup is happening, you are doomed. Be prepared for the acid treatment.

2. I dont have any grudges against you but never contact me again - You hear this statement when you haven't done anything bad to the person as such. You probably realized that you don't love the person enough to be with him/her for the rest of your life. And the one who has been dumped (ouch!) is trying to get over you and move on with his/her life. From what I have seen around me, its most likely to be the guy who wanna break off all ties in order to move on (maybe because girls are prone to fall into the rebound circle to do the same, but anyway thats a different story altogether).

3. I'll still be there whenever you need me - Ok so when you hear this, trust me it only means that he/she is gonna be civil with you incase you bump into him/her. He/she wouldn't bitch about you, esp if you have common friends. But "i'll be there when you need me" is quite BS since you wouldn't goto him/her when you need someone in the first place. I mean if your ex is not friends with you, doesn't wanna be a part of your life as such..why would you goto him, of all the people when you really need someone (unless you are into drunk dialling/texting).

4. We can still be the best of friends - Ah! Here comes the rarest category (Interestingly enough, many of the occupants of this category belong to the first one initially and then migrate to this one gradually over time). More about it later.


AD theory further states that if right after the breakup the guy wants to stay good friends with you and he still spends time with you doing regular stuff - watching movies, lunches & dinners, shopping, joking around - its only temporary. In this situation its most likely that the breakup was either initiated by you or it was mutual. So the guy needs time to get over you. All this spending time together is a mask to cover his loneliness. He's too used to you and he is taking this time to come out of the comfort zone. The day he's totally over you or when he gets a new girlfriend, he will stop playing best friends with you.

I have seen that its mostly the girls who wanna "stay good friends" with exes. I dont know why. Girls and guys think very differently about this, I believe. If incase its a guy who's breaking up, believe me its for good. A guy knows what he wants (unlike girls, which I hate to confess). So he might talk to you once in a while (and thats only to curb his own guilt) but dont expect him to do anything more than that.

If you are a girl and you have dumped your guy, and he says that he hates you and cant be friends with you (its a "consolation prize" for him and he doesn't want it), let it be. The wounds are still fresh and it takes time to heal. If the relationship was really strong and you both shared a special bond (esp if the relationship commenced in your teens because that means you kind of grew up together and that makes it different from all your later relationships), he will come around eventually...maybe after a few months or a few years. When the ego cracks have been mended, the wounds have been healed, the blame-game has come to an end - he will yield, give in and become friends with you. Maybe forever.

Now what happens when your ex starts dating someone and you are still single - ** For convenience sake, it has been assumed that the ex here is the male and you are a female (but you can switch the genders, the situations are still gonna be the same. pretty much).
Three most plausible situations:
A. He belongs to category 2 or 3 (described above) and he doesn't have much interaction with you anyways. You might bump into his current gf. If you have common friends, comparisons are inevitable. Who's hotter, who's prettier, etc etc. Your friends will prove their loyalty in assuring you that you are so much better-looking (Your friends are biased, trust me...they are gonna say the same thing even if the other girl looks like Angelina Jolie). Speculations about the future of his current relationship follow. Will it last, will it not last? Well if you have moved on, you genuinely don't care. But the people around you (your friends, his friends) will make sure that you become a part of this saga. You know, giving you "I am so sorry" glances, those pitiful looks incase you are spotted at the same party as your ex and his current girlfriend. Bleh!!
GET A LIFE GUYS!!

B. If your ex belongs to the rare 4th category, chances are that he will tell you all about the girl he has fallen for. You will be genuinely happy for him. Afterall he is one of your best friends, right? He might even consult you regarding his current-relationship-crisis. He might tell you about their (his and his now gf) issues, fights, arguments, problems, etc because he feels you know him the best after all those years together and no one will understand this the way you do (Irony of life. Hah! Isn't this the reason why you guys broke up in the first place - no understanding?). So you turn into an agony aunt for him!

C. If your ex fits into the 1st category, then that's tricky. Either he will make sure that you come to know about his current flame through common friends or he himself will spill the beans. The idea is to make you realize what you lost (as if that matters!). He will go on and on about the chemistry that he has with his significant other, rave about her dressing sense, drool over her sex appeal, rant about the "understanding" that he has discovered for the first time ever (doesn't matter even if he has known her for 2 weeks), and he will indirectly draw comparisons between you and her (direct enough that you get it) and in short, he will put it across how he has finally found "the one" and how happy he is that you left him because that gave him the chance to meet the girl of his dreams. Blah, blah blah! I wonder if he really believes that you'll get all jealous and beg him to take you back (Dream on baby!).

Trust me, its all too predictable.

AD theory next talks about the effects that you have in the life of your ex's significant other. Esp if your ex belongs to the 4th category, BEWARE! His girlfriend hates you. Period.

If it was your ex who dumped you - his gf thinks that you are still not over her boyfriend and you are probably trying to entice him. "Hun if he didn't want me then, why will he want me now when he has you?!! Jeeez!"
If it was you who called it quits during the breakup - his gf thinks that secretly her boyfriend still loves you. You dumped him that's why he settled for her. And he will still go running after you the day you change your decision. "Hun if I didn't want him then, why the hell will I want him now??!"

What's funny is the innate perpetual curiosity that everyone (gender doesn't matter) has about their exes. Its a universal phenomenon. No matter if you haven't met/talked/seen your ex in ages. You will still wanna know what he/she is upto, who he/she is dating...you know tryin to catch a peek on those social networking sites (orkut, facebook, myspace are godsend for stalking your ex), tryin to get gossip tid-bits out of your common friends without looking too eager, maybe by reading his/her blog, checking their gtalk/fb status and trying to interpret it in more ways than one. Believe me, it's an art!!
;)